Recently I lost a friend(ship) Those who really know me, Know how much this is killing me. Just when I think I am over this and moving on, something strikes me and I get stuck and hurt all over again. Yes, I am crying even as I type this, because yes, I am STILL hurting. Again those who know me, and the situation know how much this has hurt me and continues to do so. With learning over the past couple of years exactly how precious life is, and how much you need friends in your life, the fact that this had to be sickens me. I can’t help thinking I am making the wrong choice sometimes, although this far into it, I am sure there will obviously never be any turning back now. Honestly, I just don’t know. This is another one of those posts, that I am not sure why I am writing it. I just know that it’s floating around in my little mind and it won’t go away, SO maybe, just maybe, posting about it, is just what I need to do to let go, or make it worse, who can say really?
My friends mean the world to me. I am just as close, if not closer to them then I am my own family. As are my children. Actually the kids know my friends and their families better then even know some of my family members. I am ok with this, simply because I feel you should always have people around you to love and support you no matter what. It doesn’t matter to me what color, nationality, style of life, or if you’re my real family or family made up of friends or even my internet family of friends. If your there for us, then we will in turn do the same for you. I’ve gone, days, weeks, months, some friends even YEARS without constant contact, and we pick up like it was just yesterday. A best friend of mine who passed was this type of friendship, and one that I valued dearly. After her passing, it just opened my eyes to talk more often, and to be aware much much more. I would never talk about a friend behind their back or lie, I've never before had to walk away fromr a friend either. I can’t lie at ALL, I’d never be able to sleep again. If I was going to say anything about you to another person, it’s something I’ve either already said to you, or would have no problem doing so to begin with. I share just about every aspect of life with my friends, after all, isn’t that really what having friendships is all about?? If you really really know me, then you KNOW that I posess each one of those qualities. When you see a person daily and your not anymore “aware” of what’s going on in life, you have question if this is really a friendship. How can you see a friend everyday yet forget TINY important details that you’ve always shared in the past? How can you remain friends with someone when they don’t trust you with their kids? Isn’t friendship all about trust and honesty? Once you’ve been hurt like that, It’s hard to ever look at things the same. I did though. I tried really really hard for a while. It just didn’t seem to be working anymore. Out of no where things changed, stuff happened, things were said, and it was over. Still over a month later, I am not sure if I made the right choice. Mike seems to think that I have. My heart tells me I didn’t, but my conscience tells me that there is nothing more that I could have done differently. the fact of the matter is, I just miss that friendship. I miss the good times. The people,the phone calls, the visits, the fun. I just miss.
It’s said that time heals all wounds right? It does to an extent. At least to the extent that you can talk about it and think about it with out it tearing you to pieces and making you cry every single time! For me, I am hoping that time comes soon. I am not sure how much longer I’ll continue to second guess myself. Then I ask myself if the other person feels the same way? Are they struggling like I am? Are they hurt as much as I am? Do they miss me/us as much as I truly miss them?? Somehow I hope it is that way, just because I don’t want to be the only one hurting in this, but then who really knows…… it very well could not have meant half as much to them as it did to me. It’s been said to me that after you drop the bag of rocks, you excel so much further. I am still waiting for that light blub to go off in my head. I guess in time it will right?? After all, time heals but for now, I’am not seeing much excelling going on either. Losing touch with friends over time is one thing, CHOOSING to lose friends is hard. Like beyond words hard.
Anyone else ever have to go through this type of situation? If so, how did you cope with it? How long does this GUILT last??? Seriously….. I welcome ANY feedback on this one!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I guess I am having a day......
I’ve been lucky enough to have a ton of friends and life lessons each teach me new things about not only life, but myself as a person as well. Sadly, some of my very best and closest friends passed away before they were able to fully live their lives and see what the future had in store for them. I remember just being in Jr. High (7th grade) when a classmate passed away over a holiday weekend after choking when eating. Every year thereafter, we lost another classmate, I’ll never forget my Junior year of high school when we lost a very close friend to Spinal meningitis. That phone call from the guy I was dating at time broke my heart. I remember thinking for hours that he was joking with me. Not until I made some additional phone calls did I know the truth of it all. How Could he have died when just YESTERDAY he was sitting next to me in class and were sharing a Orange Crush Soda? To this DAY I will never forget that moment. He went home sick after class, with a headache. Passed away that night of cardiac arrest. I learned early on about death and how to accept it in life and learn from it. My grandfather also passed away while I was in school. Not to mention other family and/or friends and loved ones of those family and friends. As an adult, working in an industry where your co-workers become your family, I lost many more good people. In June of 2008 I lost my soon to be step father, my mom’s fiancé Les to Cancer as well. Even the loss of those we never know personally touch our lives, as I personally learned a few months back. Being 33 years old and experiencing death to the extent that I have, I guess makes it easier for me to accept? I am not exactly sure what I am trying to get at here, but there are a lot of people that are lucky (or unlucky?) enough to not experience much if any death until their adult years. What is the point of this post? I have NO idea really, just typing what comes to my mind I guess!
Jokingly, Mike and a few friends of ours joke that it seems everyone that I am friends with, end up passing away quite young. They joke they need to watch their backs. It is funny, and meant to by funny, but it’s also quite true.
Often I am asked what my longest friendship has been. I have a couple of them, but the one that I always seem to mention first that will always be #1 in my heart is My Jennifer. Godmother of my daughter. We meet pretty young, as our dad’s were friends. We reconnected after working for the same company just before I got pregnant with Courtney. We had the type of friendship that was never awkward. I always knew she would be there for me, and I for her. We could go weeks, months or even some years not speaking, only because life got in the way, then pick up as if that time never passed. It was true, honest, loving, valuable and everything a friend should be. Jen passed away in April of 2008, suddenly. I never felt as alone as I felt during that time. I cried for days and days. I cried myself to sleep most nights. I asked Why more then I ever asked before. Jen left behind, not only her parents, brother and sister, nieces & nephews, tons of family and friends, but 3 children as well. I was being selfish asking why she was taken from me, when I KNOW I would need her, I KNEW Courtney would need her godmother in life as she grew up, but what about why he took this mother from her CHILDREN?? These are just things I’ll never understand. It changes the way you look at life. It took me awhile to get over Jen’s passing. Although I don’t think your every really “over” anyone passing, you’ve just learned to cope. It hurts me that Jen never got to meet Colin. It hurts me that she never got to see her youngest start school, or will not see her oldest graduate from High school. Thankfully her family, always considered me a part of their family as well. I am even more grateful for Facebook once again for reconnecting me to them after some time. Like Jen, it was as if time was never an issue and we only saw one another just yesterday.
A while back, maybe 9 years ago, I found out that a friend of mine and her brother had passed away in a fatal car accident the previous year. This too was a special friend that I had met, through a church I was going to at the time. We were friends for a good couple of years during my early high school years. But like most friends, we just grow older and lose touch. This was what happened to us. It was never anything against one another, it was the timing of life. When I found out her and Jason had passed away, all the thoughts of why didn’t I get to say goodbye came flooding back. When was the last time we talked? Was it a good conversation? Did we actually let each other know what we meant to each other? Probably not. Not to mention that they passed over a year ago and not only did I not KNOW, I wasn’t able to say goodbye at a wake or funeral either. I can only hope now, after passing that each of them know how much they DID and still do mean to me. Recently through facebook (again!!) I was reconnected to Michelle’s mom. Actually she decided to purchase 2 of the Heart Wreaths that I made. I was so excited to get to go visit her after so many years. It was probably the early 90’s when I had last seen them. The Joy I felt after that visit yesterday was astounding!! I was able to come over, to the same house where Michelle and I hung out so many times. Hug her mom and dad and sit and chat for over an hour about how things have been and how they were. We talked about Michelle and Jason. Barb, Michelle’s mom, actually found a book that Michelle had bought for me, when she was going through things after her passing. She gave it to me yesterday. Of course, I cried, as did she. What an amazing gift, that Michelle was able to give through her mom all these years later. I can’t wait to read that. I know there is a reason that I got this NOW and not back in 1994 when she dated it. I will find that reason! It made my day to sit and reminisce with them yesterday. I was then able to go home and talk to Mike about Michelle and her family. What she was like all those years ago. It’s special to share those stories. All too often in life we never stop to think about it, I for am well more aware of it these days.
So last night, after talking to Mike about my visit, I found myself wondering if when we pass, if we stay in our current state or continue to age? I KNOW we feel no pain, that our pains and suffering are all gone. But If I lost a dear friend when they were only 19 or 20, and I don’t happen to pass away until I am in my 60’s, will they even know it’s ME since I’ll be 40 years older then them?? Why have I NEVER thought about this in the past?? I’am sure there are some people out there that think I am crazy right now, I could very well be. But having lost so many loved ones at a young age, I don’t want to be 50 years older then them when I pass and have that age difference that visible, I want them to remember me as I was when they left, not all these years later and have them have no idea who I even am! (is this being selfish?) I know that no-one can actually answer this for me, since we are obviously all still here in the human state. But it’s something that has sparked my interest and I want to find answers to this! Those who know me, won’t be surprised that I now want to go have another reading done and ask this question……
IN the meantime, sorry for the out of the blue , depressing, off the wall, blog post about death. I guess maybe I am just missing lifelong friends today. Or reconnecting with families makes you think about past friendships and those we love and miss and will always think about. Regardless… I will always Love and Miss, each and every one of my family, friends and loved ones that have passed. I won’t name then each individually, because then I will feel horrible if I leave anyone out. I just hope they each know how much they each mean to me……….
Jokingly, Mike and a few friends of ours joke that it seems everyone that I am friends with, end up passing away quite young. They joke they need to watch their backs. It is funny, and meant to by funny, but it’s also quite true.
Often I am asked what my longest friendship has been. I have a couple of them, but the one that I always seem to mention first that will always be #1 in my heart is My Jennifer. Godmother of my daughter. We meet pretty young, as our dad’s were friends. We reconnected after working for the same company just before I got pregnant with Courtney. We had the type of friendship that was never awkward. I always knew she would be there for me, and I for her. We could go weeks, months or even some years not speaking, only because life got in the way, then pick up as if that time never passed. It was true, honest, loving, valuable and everything a friend should be. Jen passed away in April of 2008, suddenly. I never felt as alone as I felt during that time. I cried for days and days. I cried myself to sleep most nights. I asked Why more then I ever asked before. Jen left behind, not only her parents, brother and sister, nieces & nephews, tons of family and friends, but 3 children as well. I was being selfish asking why she was taken from me, when I KNOW I would need her, I KNEW Courtney would need her godmother in life as she grew up, but what about why he took this mother from her CHILDREN?? These are just things I’ll never understand. It changes the way you look at life. It took me awhile to get over Jen’s passing. Although I don’t think your every really “over” anyone passing, you’ve just learned to cope. It hurts me that Jen never got to meet Colin. It hurts me that she never got to see her youngest start school, or will not see her oldest graduate from High school. Thankfully her family, always considered me a part of their family as well. I am even more grateful for Facebook once again for reconnecting me to them after some time. Like Jen, it was as if time was never an issue and we only saw one another just yesterday.
A while back, maybe 9 years ago, I found out that a friend of mine and her brother had passed away in a fatal car accident the previous year. This too was a special friend that I had met, through a church I was going to at the time. We were friends for a good couple of years during my early high school years. But like most friends, we just grow older and lose touch. This was what happened to us. It was never anything against one another, it was the timing of life. When I found out her and Jason had passed away, all the thoughts of why didn’t I get to say goodbye came flooding back. When was the last time we talked? Was it a good conversation? Did we actually let each other know what we meant to each other? Probably not. Not to mention that they passed over a year ago and not only did I not KNOW, I wasn’t able to say goodbye at a wake or funeral either. I can only hope now, after passing that each of them know how much they DID and still do mean to me. Recently through facebook (again!!) I was reconnected to Michelle’s mom. Actually she decided to purchase 2 of the Heart Wreaths that I made. I was so excited to get to go visit her after so many years. It was probably the early 90’s when I had last seen them. The Joy I felt after that visit yesterday was astounding!! I was able to come over, to the same house where Michelle and I hung out so many times. Hug her mom and dad and sit and chat for over an hour about how things have been and how they were. We talked about Michelle and Jason. Barb, Michelle’s mom, actually found a book that Michelle had bought for me, when she was going through things after her passing. She gave it to me yesterday. Of course, I cried, as did she. What an amazing gift, that Michelle was able to give through her mom all these years later. I can’t wait to read that. I know there is a reason that I got this NOW and not back in 1994 when she dated it. I will find that reason! It made my day to sit and reminisce with them yesterday. I was then able to go home and talk to Mike about Michelle and her family. What she was like all those years ago. It’s special to share those stories. All too often in life we never stop to think about it, I for am well more aware of it these days.
So last night, after talking to Mike about my visit, I found myself wondering if when we pass, if we stay in our current state or continue to age? I KNOW we feel no pain, that our pains and suffering are all gone. But If I lost a dear friend when they were only 19 or 20, and I don’t happen to pass away until I am in my 60’s, will they even know it’s ME since I’ll be 40 years older then them?? Why have I NEVER thought about this in the past?? I’am sure there are some people out there that think I am crazy right now, I could very well be. But having lost so many loved ones at a young age, I don’t want to be 50 years older then them when I pass and have that age difference that visible, I want them to remember me as I was when they left, not all these years later and have them have no idea who I even am! (is this being selfish?) I know that no-one can actually answer this for me, since we are obviously all still here in the human state. But it’s something that has sparked my interest and I want to find answers to this! Those who know me, won’t be surprised that I now want to go have another reading done and ask this question……
IN the meantime, sorry for the out of the blue , depressing, off the wall, blog post about death. I guess maybe I am just missing lifelong friends today. Or reconnecting with families makes you think about past friendships and those we love and miss and will always think about. Regardless… I will always Love and Miss, each and every one of my family, friends and loved ones that have passed. I won’t name then each individually, because then I will feel horrible if I leave anyone out. I just hope they each know how much they each mean to me……….
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